Hello, my name Acheron and, for all intents and purposes, I am a nerd. Not one of you're cute, block glasses wearing, fashionable pin-ups. No, I in fact am the type of nerd who spends her spare time reading and playing retro games, who would rather buy a type-writer than 'those-sexy-beautiful-awesome-shoes' and goes to concerts to unwind. I blog for me and myself and couldn't care less if you disliked my content. However, if you do enjoy it lets go to signings together.
If you're looking for me, try Foyles in Charing Cross.
I must admit, I’ve been shit for uploading this summer. This is because I have been living. More will ensue, but for now I leave you with the promise of more
Late week, Spencer Smith from Panic! At The Disco posted about his history with addiction, and spoke again on it in a recent MTV interview. Brendon Urie has confirmed in a blog post that Spencer will not be continuing the current Panic! tour. We wish Spencer all the best in his recovery, read Brendon’s blog below.
Oh they could be wrong
Yeah they could be wrong
We proved ourselves wrong
They say our love won’t last forever
They say our love won’t last forever
The moment in time when nothing is supposed to make sense and therefore it does, the confusing spiral of right and wrong. In my eyes, right and wrong turns to brunette and blonde, hair so beautiful and deadly it hurts to even think about it. Yeah, that was her, with her endless green eyes, not quite emerald, not quite bottle, not quite anything of this world. Doused in blonde they look dark and evil, the fiends of so many people’s nightmares. Yet draped in brunette and they became mysterious, electrifying. They sparkled. It was weird how one person could be so much all at once.
“What are you doing,” she said, tapping the side of my head.
I smiled to myself and looked away from the hair, the bottomless brunette. “Nothing.”
“You started to stare again,” she said. “I told you couldn’t do that anymore.”
I shrugged. “I can’t help it alright; you just look really hot today. Hotter than I’ve ever seen you, and we have to bear in mind that you look great every day.”
Her lips quirked but she kept the smile away. “Oh no, don’t distract me. What are you looking at?”
“I’m looking at your ripped jeans, showing me those long tanned legs. And that tight Rolling Stones top, and all the curves it can’t hide. And the jean jacket that I gave you, which admittedly looks better on you than it ever did on me, no matter how cliché that sounds. Or maybe it’s even jut those beat up docs that I’d never image you wearing, because you’re strong person who represents quite a clean cut ideal, and yet you broke yourself for me. Maybe I’m just fascinated that a person as amazing and wonderful as you would dim yourself to my level.” I shrugged and then realised how long I’d spoken, then blushed faintly. “Sorry. I told you shouldn’t let me ramble.”
When she didn’t reply I looked at her to see her expression and how she’d received my words. There wasn’t even a trace of the smile she’d had, she looked to be surprised and slightly annoyed. It was like she couldn’t believe I’d had the guts say those words, and I couldn’t believe it either. Her lips were slightly parted and they caught my attention, because those pink jaws were as deadly as they were tantalising. They could tell you softest secret, and the harshest truth.
She leaned forward a gently brushed her lips against mine and I was so shocked by the current she carried with her that my fingers rippled.
“It’s funny; because I’m sure you don’t do that. Ever. And I’m not even sure why I made you do that,” she said, pursing her lips together.
“It was a nice first kiss,” I replied and she recoiled back, looking alarmed.
“W-what! You’ve never kiss anyone? You didn’t tell me that, how could you not! I told myself I would never-!”
“First kiss of California,” I replied, frowning at the face she was pulling. She looked like she was about to have a breakdown. “What’s wrong with you?”
She shook her head. “It’s not a conversation for now okay, I’d just like to forget I said anything.” She started pointedly at the sunset, eyes squinting against the dying light.
I put my hand over hers, feeling her warm hand and the grass between her fingers. “Fine.”
I leaned in to kiss her and it was not the innocent one she gave me, that was certain. In fact, it actually summed up all of my feelings for her, when I wound my hand in to her hair, when she pulled herself closer to me and I felt her soft sigh. It was the most meaningful thing I’d ever shared.
It also scared the hell out of me.
Saved by a handy, screaming ringtone. We broke away and I looked at my phone, seeing Ashlynn’s face and mine squished in to the screen, making grizzly faces. Luiza saw it too and then moved away from me, and not subtly either. When she was five feet away, so far away, she laid back and closed her eyes.
“Just answer it. She won’t go away otherwise,” she said, biting her lip. Her brow puckered and I would have thrown the phone away but I was trapped in those eyes anymore. I had to stop feeling this way.
“What’s up,” I said, pulling the phone to my ear.
“Jeez, I thought you weren’t going to answer after a while, don’t make a girl wait like that,” she said silkily.
“What can I say, it’s the only thing that keeps the girls coming back for more.” I would not look at Luiza while having this conversation.
“Uh huh. Let’s play a game,” she said and I laughed.
“What kinda if game,” I replied, toying with my eyebrow piercing.
“Where you guy what I’m wearing, and every time you get it wrong you have to take something off,” she replied with a giggle and I rolled my eyes.
“Is this a way of roping me in to phone sex, because I’m not buying it,” I said and I heard a rustle beside me. I should have looked at Luiza, I should have but I kept on talking.
“Aw, come on. What have you got to lose,” she whined.
“My dignity babe, I don’t play that game. You’re on your own,” I replied. “Don’t use me as a booty call.”
“I will use you as whatever I want,” she replied and I started to get bored of her.
“I’m not your bitch,” I said and she grumbled.
“I know, that’s why I like you so much. So can we-”
“Ashlynn, as riveting and as interesting as this moment may be for you, it’s not doing much for me. So how about I call you when I need another distraction. Is that okay to you?”
It was crude and crass, but she wouldn’t care. The girl had a heart of steel and she didn’t understand no. She’d be fine.
I looked at Luiza, only Luiza wasn’t there. I scanned the horizon, looking for her. When I finally spotted her she was well on her way back to the highway, hips swaying, hair blowing and dammit I didn’t know why I was so afraid of her. She gave me genuine emotion, sure, but now that her ethereal eyes weren’t here it also seemed silly to not want to be with her. When she kissed me, she made me feel like I was falling and drowning but that was okay, because it was her. I needed to stop feeling afraid of that emotion, because it was slowly becoming a part of me.
I ran after her, wanting to know why she’d left so suddenly and how I could make it up. In fact, I wasn’t stupid; she left because I was talking about sex with Ashlynn. I got that. I just didn’t understand why she couldn’t hit me or shout at me or throw my phone lie any normal girlfriend would.
What, girlfriend? I’d called her my girlfriend?
I was obviously in range of those not quite emerald, not quite bottle eyes. They were messing with my head, as per usual.
“Wait,” I said out, slightly breathless because I did not do exercise. Of any kind.
“Why should I,” she said, but she stopped moving. “Give me one good reason why I should.”
I went to start talking, but then I sat down heavily and started to breathe deeply; I didn’t exercise. I’d just sprinted more than 50m for a girl, just to talking about feelings. Something was terribly wrong. “I’m sorry.”
She turned around and when she saw me her eyes widened slightly. “What the hell is wrong with you?” At least she was referring to my current situation.
“God, my lungs are on fire. I shouldn’t do exercise, it’s bad for you obviously,” I wheezed and she sat next to me, looking at me.
“For a guy who spends most of his time in mosh pits, you’re getting awfully worked up by a little run.”
“Little sprint, get it right,” I sad back and if this were any other circumstance, she’d have smiled. When if looked at her, she was toying with the laces of her docs.
“You expected me to stay there,” she said stiffly.
“I expected you to trust me okay. I’m not a whore, you know that,” I said and she laughed.
“Oh, I know that. But you’re going out with one who’d rather see me ruined than happy, so you know what. I’m not impressed. I shouldn’t have kissed you,” she said and that stopped my breathing.
Just for a second, but she’d noticed. “Why not,” I said, slightly angry.
“Because you have a girlfriend. Remember her, hmm? That one on the phone. I’m not the girl I used to be.”
“You know, you talk a lot about the girl you ‘used to be’ but you’ve never elaborated. So spill it.”
She gave me a bitter look. “You do not want to go down that road with me Heartbreak Drake.”
I flinched; we were past this. “You know what, I am a heartbreaker. I find it amusing to see people trip over themselves just to get my attention when there’s nothing better about me than there is about them, expect that little thing we discus daily. There, my dirty laundry is aired. Your turn,” I snapped.
“I used to be the girl that broke hearts too you know. The beautiful cheerleader, the girl that would do anything to better herself and put as much distance between herself and the average human race as was possible. And I loved it. I loved watching their spirits die as I broke down their self confidence, but you know what happened; they started to break. For real. And I was the one that broke them, I know it. Why don’t you ask Sabrina what I did to her, because it was horrific? You don’t know what Arcadia puts herself through; I was one of the many things that destroyed her.”
“But you couldn’t have done that to people,” I said, raising an eyebrow at her. “Your argument is invalid; no person could affect so many people. Not unless you were perfect.”
She smirked. “Bitch, you’re not the only one who had to battle. And you want to know the secret of escaping all that attention, all that fawning. You can’t. Because they either love you or hate you, but you will always be on their mind,” she said, sounding more disillusioned than I did.
I was probably going to piss her off, with my next word, but maybe it was for the best. I did have a girlfriend, one that I didn’t like much, but there was still the principle of loyalty. So what, I hadn’t ever felt the need to have relationships with girls (and not by fault of my own, I’d just never met a girl who’s said they wanted anything more than a hook-up). “Bullshit.”
She cracked, and her smile was fragile and those eyes took on something worse than a specific colour. Sorrow. “Fuck you Hastings.”
“Don’t hate me,” I said as she got up.
“Can’t help it, I have to. Would you expect any less,” she snapped, walking away.
“Where are you going,” I wondered, getting to my feet.
“Home of course. Where else have I got to go.” she kept on walking, through the park and towards the gates that weren’t quite closed yet.
“But you didn’t come here with your car; the least you could do is let me drive you home.”
She rounded on me. “The least I can do.”
“Yeah, that sounded wrong. I’m sorry alright, I’m not used to all this,” I said.
“Not used to what,” she said, anger tainting her voice and I exploded.
“All this emotion!” I shouted at her and then I curled in on myself. I didn’t shout, I wasn’t supposed to get angry. Getting angry was losing.
Three emotions came over her; wonder, probably at my exclamation. Pity because what she’d said made me angry. But then annoyance took over, and she walked briskly away from me. I sighed, because I wasn’t going to make her walk the 8 or so miles. But beating her to the entrance when I had to go and get my bike was going to be hard; I would have to run. Again. This girl was making me do exercise.
Surely that said enough about how I felt about her. I wouldn’t be caught dead running for Ashlynn.
I did start running, and I had no way of getting there before her. I knew I didn’t, but I’d search the highway for her and drive around until I knew she was safe at home and all that brunette, sweet and kind hair was unharmed. I stumbled, and barely caught myself from falling; my thoughts shocked me. I didn’t do this. At all.
I finally got to the front gate and unlocked it, looking back but there was no way of seeing the entrance from the hill; her house was way too far away. I threw opened the gates, locked them again and then grabbed my bike; fuck the helmet, she could use it. I’d never got in a crash and I wouldn’t start now.
My bike spluttered and started, and gravel went flying and I drove out of the main gates, which were just opening; Aunt Donica was home.
“Where the hell are you going, you need to put on your helmet!” she yelled out of her window, and she almost got out but I wasn’t slowing down for anyone.
“I can’t talk!” I said, and then I was gone.
On the open road, with no one to distract me. Nobody to ask anything of me. Driving downhill gave me a rush, and it sounded like something an adrenaline junkie would say, but I loved it. Sometimes, I loved throwing myself in to these dangers and just forgetting, because it was me and the blurred lines on the ground.
I found Luiza on her way down to the highway, and I slowed down next to her.
“Get on,” I said.
She looked at me, shocked. “What the hell are you doing here; I thought you went home.”
“Like I’d let you walk all the way home. Seriously, get on,” I said.
“But you’re not wearing a helmet,” she said and I frowned.
“Yeah, I didn’t have time to go back home and get the other one. Anyway, you wear it.”
She shook her head. “That’s not safe, you can’t-”
“It’s not safe for you to walk all the way home. Not from here. Look, just don’t argue with me; get on the bike or I will throw you over my shoulder and walk you home myself!”
She hesitated, and then pulled the helmet out of the tail box. “Since when do you get angry?” she said, putting it on. She put her arms around my waist and I dipped my head low, slightly ashamed.
“Since I started to care.”
I drove away; I didn’t want to know what she thought of that. It was probably along the lines of ‘your girlfriends cares too’. But Ashlynn didn’t. She didn’t care at all. We only hung out, and half the time she tried to pull my clothes off. When I wasn’t there she pulled other peoples clothes off. I only kept her around because she didn’t feel, just like me; I didn’t hurt to be with her because she expected nothing more than my presence. A sign that she could tame ‘Heartbreak Drake’.
Luiza on the other hand, gave me a migraine at best. She was confusing and riveting and so much more different than I’d ever imagined; who knew a girl like her even existed. One that was fascinated with my tattoos and piercings, one that wondered how the hell thirty people could live happily together, who asked what a mosh pit was. But this was a girl that could also pull off creepers and tattered jackets; my tattered jacket actually.
I could feel her racing heartbeat against my back, and her laboured breathing. I could hear her humming a song from the concert, and it made me smile to think that she’d remember it. It was proof she’d enjoyed it.
Jeez, if the guys back home could hear me now, they’d laugh at me. Repeatedly. Shamelessly.
It was too soon when she pulled away from me, because we’d pulled up in front of her house. She took away that sweet perfume she wore, taking it with her. It was just like her eyes, it didn’t have one particular smell, and it always changed and confused you. But then again, that suited her perfectly.
“Here’s your helmet,” she said, taking it off and handing it to me. “And your jacket.”
I shook my head. “Keep it.”
She started. “But this has got… Thirty Seconds To Mars? You said the lead singer kissed the patch and handed it to you,” she said, pointing to the patch that I’d put over my heart.
“I know but… look, I know you’re pissed at me and whatever, but I want you to have something of mine.”
She looked uncertain. “Drake, this doesn’t change anything between us. Look, I can’t be around you anymore.”
My shock choked me. “What? But why not?”
“Because wherever you are, Ashlynn will trail after. She’s poison, and I don’t want to be involved with her again; I’ve been down that road.”
“But Luiza, I can’t…”
“You’re genuinely surprised aren’t you,” she said, chuckling bitterly. “Have you never had a girlfriend?”
I looked at the ocean, instead of her, then down at the helmet between my hands. “No, not really.”
She sucked in a breath and said, “That doesn’t change anything. You can’t have the friendship with me and still be faithful to Ashlynn. I hate her with a passion but… nobody deserves that.”
“But I don’t care about Ashlynn.”
“Could’ve fooled me,” she said and I glared.
“What part of anything I’ve ever done with her makes you think I care? I’ve hooked up with enough girls to know what’s real and what’s not.”
“I don’t want to be that thing on the side. I can’t,” she said, and tears welled in her eyes. “I’ve been there, done that. And it was with the only guy I ever cared about as much as you and he broke my heart, because he chose the other girl. I don’t want to-” she shook her head and just walked away and I got off my bike but she heard. “No, don’t.”
“I have to. Luiza, just come here,” I said and she shook her head again, tears falling away from those not quite emerald, not quite bottle eyes. Clear pearls of emotion tumbled down her cheeks.
“No,” she said, pursing her lips.
I didn’t take well to commands; I hugged her anyway, and even though she pushed me away she’d gotten her tears under control. “How can I make this better,” I said, more to myself than anything but she answered anyway.
She walked in to her house and left me alone, stunned and abandoned. The last hour… it didn’t make sense to me.
To make sense of this, it’s taken for the middle of a book I’m thinking about writing. This scene just seemed to leap out at me so I wrote it down before I forgot and lost the edge. I do write a lot in my spare time; it’s fun and it’s what I want to do with my life. Feel free to tell me/tweet me what you think :) oh and copyright, and all that jazz